Shame Isn’t the Problem
Shame is an emotion that we all experience, almost all dislike, and almost all want to avoid (see what I did there adding “almost” – avoided an extreme, nondialectical statement).
And like all emotions, shame intensifies with avoidance.
Shame is the feeling that we are bad. That at our core, we are unworthy of love and belonging.
These are judgments. And as judgments, they aren’t facts.
All humans are worthy. Even those who have committed heinous crimes are afforded basic dignity. We provide prisoners the necessities required for survival for a reason.
Behavior is separate from identity. Someone might have done something bad; that doesn’t mean that they are wholly bad. At some point in their lives, even those we classify as “bad” have done something we classify as “good.”
This is where shame gets complicated: people engage in behavior they regret and internalize it as identity. They don’t feel that they did something wrong – they feel that they are inherently wrong.
We tend to deal with shame by silence, secrecy, and judgment. I have. Most leaders do too.
We assume this will remove the emotion or motivate change. It doesn’t. It amplifies shame.
When we follow the urge to avoid shame, we disconnect from our values. We trade short-term relief for long-term misalignment. What reduces discomfort in the moment prolongs it over time.
For leaders, this erodes integrity. It shows up in team culture and organizational performance.
On The Curiosity Shop, Adam Grant and Brené Brown describe how past experiences of shame continue to shape current reactions.
They call these past hauntings. I call these protection patterns.
Whatever the language, these patterns show up at work. We bring the personal into the professional. What we learned before shapes how we respond now. Without intervention, the past and the present remain linked.
Grant and Brown outline the first step in effectively navigating shame: observing and describing the emotion.
This requires emotional literacy – the ability to recognize shame in the first place. Which is difficult for those who habitually avoid it.
Naming the emotion creates access to regulation strategies. For shame, the effective strategy is often the opposite of avoidance: connection.
Reaching out. Acknowledging perceived faults. That’s when shame dissipates.
Even with emotional literacy, this is difficult.
I’d add a few steps between experiencing shame and reaching out for connection.
The first is acceptance. Of the fact that shame exists. It is not going away. Accepting its existence is the starting point.
DBT offers additional strategies: checking the facts and opposite action. These change behavioral responses to unwanted emotions.
Emotions are often driven by interpretations, not objective reality. Checking the facts involves evaluating whether our assumptions are accurate.
This matters because inaccurate interpretations generate uncomfortable emotions. Believing them creates new, unnecessary problems – and interferes with accurate problem-solving.
Shame serves two important functions: reducing the risk of rejection and repairing when harm has been done.
When shame aligns with these functions, it’s valid. When it doesn’t, it’s not.
Checking the facts helps identify the difference.
How to Check the Facts
What's the emotion you want to change?
What's the event prompting the emotion?
What are your interpretations, thoughts, and assumptions about the event?
Are you assuming threat?
If so:
What's the threat?
What's the likelihood it will actually occur?
What are the other possible outcomes?
If the worst does occur, what are the realistic consequences?
How can you effectively handle them?
Does the emotion and/or its intensity fit the facts?
During my coming out process, I observed significant shame related to my queer identity.
The reality is that some environments do reject it. And the environments that matter most to me – friends, family, colleagues – do not.
Hiding my identity from them intensified shame. Checking the facts with the people who mattered was essential to living in alignment with my value of authenticity.
Sometimes checking the facts decreases emotional intensity but doesn’t change behavior.
When that happens, opposite action is the next step.
Each emotion prompts specific behavioral urges and expressions. Opposite action means engaging in behavior inconsistent with the emotion.
Acting opposite helps because emotional intensity can interfere with principled behavior, or prompt avoidance. This is not suppression. It’s experiencing the emotion, recognizing it’s not justified, and choosing behavior aligned with values anyway.
For opposite action to work, it must be practiced – all the way, repeatedly. That means opposite posture, expression, thinking, and communication. Halfway doesn’t work.
Shame without real threat of rejection is unjustified. The opposite behavior: stop hiding with people who are safe.
How to Practice Opposite Action
What's the emotion you want to change?
What are your action urges?
Is acting on the emotion effective?
Do the opposite of your actual urges.
Practice opposite action all the way.
I cognitively understood that my shame about being queer wasn’t valid with the people who mattered. That did not stop the emotion from occurring, or feeling intense.
I practiced opposite action anyway – openly acknowledging my identity with trusted people. Repeatedly, wholeheartedly, and for many years.
Avoiding shame is a protection pattern. A costly one.
Shame isn’t the problem. Avoidance is.